Mind the D.....anger!!!
It will be convenient to attribute it to my fiery type A personality or maybe the fact that I am an Aries by horoscope, but that's cutting it easy. If I am not as driven or competitive as a type A, I can surely not be impatient and quick to anger as one. Or atleast I can try to be. But sadly this short fuse is something I've failed to successfully rectify time and again.
Over time I agree I have mellowed down with age, but still the stormy temper brews silently below the surface. And ever so often something sets me off and the storm comes to the surface, leaving me with a bitter taste in its aftermath.
What I regret most about this issue are two things.
One, is the loss of control over our words that accompanies us on losing our cool. I believe words sent out and time lost can never return, and sometimes words do hurt us more than actions and knives. Wounds of physical nature can heal eventually, but wounds of heart and soul and bonds damaged irreparably by fits of anger even if heal, they heal with a scar of remembrance and bitterness. I am still able to control this aspect of my temper a tad better, though not completely successful I fare marginally better here in recent years. I also don't mind getting angry over what's justified or expected, though calmness and control of words always helps us put our side of the argument better. Infact many a times in recent times, when people around me expected me to lose my shit over something, I managed to keep it under a lid. But I don't want to toot my horn too early. Because I fail miserably many a times more.
A bigger dilemma is when trivial inconveniences and mild irritation can lead to my overstimulation and overreaction. It's when I lash out or speak harshly with the ones I love so dearly, just because they bear it silently out of love. Their solemn acceptance and betrayed/ hurt expressions are worse than all other previous failures and heartbreaks. Yet I often fail at controlling this part of my temperament. Growing up this was a part of my parents i detested and was terrified of, yet I slowly become what I detest and prayed not to be.
Am I not resolute enough or is my resolution not reached its zenith yet? Should I consider it a part of my personality and give up in name of self- love or should I keep trying and trying till I can put a lid on it in name of self improvement? My heart says I can do better and I can one day pass this test, but till then I hope to keep working on it and not let the evil of impatience and irritation bog me down.
P.S. This too I shall overcome!!!!
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